Re: I need some advice I am torn

One more thing to add, as this is the best place for me to vent without getting opinions that are scewed in my life. My wife is leaning towards divorce, and I know it. My in laws see us both as having huge faults, but they applaud me for trying. My Father in law has been more of a father figure in the 5 years he has been in my life than 30 my dad has been. He told me last week no matter what happens with my daughter you are my son, and if you get divorced you will still be my son. That was huge burden off my shoulders as he is my boss and will make sure I keep my job until he retires. I know I can only work on my life and do what is best for me, but it is hard when I know my wife isn't doing the things promised to me. I am trying hard to focus on me, and my issues which are huge, but I keep thinking about the lies and broken promises she keeps committing. I honestly don't think the marriage will work, but have come to realize I have to do my best to make it work, and live with it if it does not. If I don't do my best I will regret it forever, but being 30 and twice divorce is not the outcome I expected in my life nor wanted.

Saying that I have a bright future either way and I know that. I just have to keep my nose to the grind stone and do what is best for my wife, daughter and me as log as this situation keeps up. She may not be my wife when the end of this 3 months comes, but at that time I can deal with it than. Thank you all again for being a constructive sounding board as I have very few in my life right now.

27

Re: I need some advice I am torn

It takes two.  She will also have to want to make it work.  If not, you're just hurting you own life by accepting a lesser marriage and a less fulfilled life.  At the same time you'll be convincing her to stay in a marriage she doesn't want to be in.

I wouldn't put an ounce of thought into what you expected, nor being 30 and twice divorced.  You need to just focus on the here and now, and take it week by week.  You'll need to keep your nose clean, your ears open and not allow your anger to confuse your emotions.  You need to have the ability to evaluate yourself, your feelings for her and whether you can get past your resentment.  You also need to be clear headed so that you can listen to her, but also evaluate her and if she's actually into making this work or just going through the exercises that your therapist has given you.  You can't figure those things out in just one week.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

I agree Dru, and thank you for the very smart words of wisdom. My therapist relayed all of those to me today. I feel much better after meeting with her today, than I did earlier when I posted this. She told me she would handle my wife and how to have the conversations about the changes she needs to make in her own life. I honestly feel like an elephant just stood up off my chest. it is my responsibility to worry about me. I honestly feel like this is the first time I have felt that way as well.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thats the good thing of therapy, perspective from the outside. Good for you for getting help, yet again, it's not easy. I don't blame you for trying but it sounds like you need to start preparing yourself to move on, IMO if she doesn't want to try to change.

I knew my marriage was over when I realized I was the only one willing to try anymore. I realized I couldn't fix it all myself, at least you have therapy now to go thru it. I did my myself and then after a year did therapy. I wished I had started then, but I couldn't have afforded it either but I can see the help it could have done me and the pain it would have saved me. Bonk, no one ever wants to come to the realization we made a mistake, even when that mistake is the life partner you chose and married before our family.

Officially Licensed WhoDatZone Rally Ape™

Re: I need some advice I am torn

I agree ATN that it may be time to realize it may not work, but I am going to give it more time than a week to fully decide. I am goig to let the process run its time frame, and go over it with the therapist. She too told me to think abut whether it is something I want to do to keep going. She has warned me from the beginning this all may just confirm that this marriage wont work, and I have accepted that. But I would not forgive myself in the long run if I did not at least let the separation run its course first before I decided to move on.

31

Re: I need some advice I am torn

One piece of advice...go check out www.loveshack.org and read some of the 'infidelity' and 'breaking up and divorce' forums.  You are not alone and you'd be surprised how many people are going through almost exact same circumstances and events as you are.

There is a lot of great advice there.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thanks Herb I will have to check that out.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Ok guys had an interesting twist on things after our appointment. Sorry again not really anywhere else for me to let it out. My mother in law and I have become very close the last week and a half. She brings me leftovers after they eat and calls to make sure I'm ok. so naturally we talk about everything. My therapist earlier in the week told me that my wife's and my relationship has a HUGE problem that needs to be fixed before we can go further and we addressed it today. She said our relationship is more that of parent/child than a marriage, and I honestly agreed after she explained. My anger deals from he acting like a 16 year kid rather than an adult. Now I still have major issues in learning how to deal with and express my anger. But her and my mother in law both agreed I had a right to be upset when I was.

My wife would take the role of a child and I would enable it with my anger. When I would ask her to make dinner she would not, and because I would pick up dinner or make it when I got home I enabled her to not want to make dinner. Than I would get mad about it and lose patience and yell more about it after a few days of no dinner. She acted like most 16 year olds do, and rebel and not ever make dinner. Same thing with getting a job. Because I made enough to pay the bills and still allowed her to go shopping and buy things she wanted and take vacations I was telling her it was ok for her not to work. So today the therapist and I agreed that the best thing moving forward was me not to give her anymore spending money at all until she gets a job. My wife and I agreed she needed to get a job so we could pay off some debt. We accrued some while she was in college. I put off paying off bills to pay cash for her to get a degree. She and I agreed when she graduated it would be very easy with her getting an entry level job in her career we could pay off all our bills in less 6 months to a year easily.  Well she took her last exam in December of 2013. She has only in the last 3 months put in applications and has only put in 5. So I told her I would not pay for her to go out with her friends to concerts or shopping or for her to go on vacation with her Mom back to Michigan next month. Which in all honesty probably would have cost me about $1500 after plan ticket, and spending cash.

Her Mom today apologized to me which helped me feel better. She told me she didn't realize how much they did for her until my wife moved back in this past week. She said that she did no service to me or her daughters relationship raising her the way they did, and that she was going to do everything she could to help. By not inviting her out when they go out to dinner, and not doing her laundry, or anything for her from this point forward. As she realized how much she and her husband enabled her and created the monster that my wife and I are now facing.

It all came to a head today because my wife told me she was not applying for jobs because she is going to a concert on the weekend of the 24th in Jacksonville and that is why she cannot apply for any jobs. Not to mention the following weekend is when she was supposed to go with her mother back to Michigan. The therapist and myself told her that does not make any sense and that she could still apply or jobs but while interviewing she could explain the trip to Jacksonville and trip to Michigan. That is when we told her about our relationship which she agreed about until I told her I did not want to enable her behaviors anymore. Than she got mad, and after the appointment wouldn't look at me or talk to me and sped off. My mother in law than told me later today she is not allowing her to travel with her to Michigan because she will not enable her by paying her way. We both decided today was not the best day to tell my wife that yet though, and to wait a couple of days for her to cool off before telling her.

I do have to admit at this point that I have never felt more that there is a very strong chance that our marriage may be over. BUT, I am ok with that. I know that if I did not do or say what I did today our marriage would have ended due to our relationship never changing. It may be that we get divorced, but at least now I know what I need to do to be a better father, husband, and person. I also know that I did everything I possibly could have to help her as well. I did everything I could for my wife, myself, and my marriage. So even if she decides to file for divorce I did the absolute best I could and I will be better for it later.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Wow, dude, she needs to step up, or you need to move the F!! on and that room for error is razor thin and that time ain't long. She sounds way to immature to be in a relationship, much less in a marriage with you. Those are huge maturity issues and she acted like a child and still is and will continue til, she should have gone through this at the age of 16, not this far into a marriage. She's still an adult, she's chosen not to act like one. That means you're trying and she's not, at all, one iota. F!! that, you deserve better than that man. Any person does.

I'm stunned at the enabling the mother in law has done. Honestly, all that is, is excuses for her to not be the person she should be, she willfully chose to go the easy route. You need to realize your part in enabling and being codependent in the situation. You need to steel yourself for the inevitable, you'd have blinders on to not see it now. The amount of maturity you need to see in the time you want, IMHO will not transpire until she's shaken out of her world completely and she's had time to live solo to realize what she did and her place in it. I'm only going off what you've told me and I want to give you better news but what you need to see and what will happen unfortunately that won't be until a few years after your divorce. She's using you and everyone around her, using excuses of a concert to not get a job just gobbsmacks of the immaturity and her withholding of food and dinner and leaving you to be the bread winner don't cut it. You and the mother in law may enable but until all the enabling is gone and it's all gone from her and she has no way but with her own hands and feet, she'll get it, unfortunately, you'll be with someone else by the time she realizes it.

Officially Licensed WhoDatZone Rally Ape™

35 (edited by Bonckers 04-02-2015 9:01:28)

Re: I need some advice I am torn

I have accepted it probably won't happen ATN, but I do love her and am going to give her the 3 months to see if there is progress and go from there. My mother in law and I both think it won't work out, but I know either way I will be ok.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

ATN is spot on Bonk. You are married to a 16 year old spoiled child for all intents and purposes. Unfortunately, these types never mature until they have to do things without an enabler.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

You're right, either way man, YOU'RE gonna be okay. That's a great mentality to have and you're gonna need that bright side. I respect that you're going to give it a time table and that you're trying however, it still appears that you're the only one trying. She has a huge reality check coming and I'm not sure she can handle it, I applaud your patience tho. Kudos on going through the therapy and coming to terms with the realities you face, it's not easy and in the end at least you know you tried and did your best. That will mean much more than you realize later on, no matter what transpires. You have a very tough road ahead. We'll be here for you.

Officially Licensed WhoDatZone Rally Ape™

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thanks buddy. I know it is far from being easier, and I am trying my best to prepare for it.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bonckers wrote:

Thanks buddy. I know it is far from being easier, and I am trying my best to prepare for it.

Lawrence, I have been reading about all of this you are dealing with and my heart goes out to you. I might give you a call tonight or Saturday if I am feeling up to it. It's been kinda hard to breath lately. Some days are better than others.

I don't want to sound cliche' but, no matter what happens it's going to get better. It just takes some time.

I wish people would stop saying rights are protected by the constitution.
The Constitution protects nothing. Neither does it grant us our rights. The Constitution only outlines the restraints
upon the government
, and recognizes those rights all people are inherently born with.
The act of restraining the government, ensuring for time eternal the rights enshrined in The Constitution, is our responsibility to shoulder-- the courage, honor, and arms of all of us people who believe in it.

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Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thanks Allan, you can call whenever is good for you. I always enjoy our conversations and appreciate your advice.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Ok to fill everyone in as I received a PM and it is probably easier to tell everyone. I am doing much better this week than I had been. Wife and I got into at the beginning of the week with her spending money out of the account, and not telling me. Not to mention driving the car that has a recall for a transmission issue over 3 hours away to go do whatever. So when in therapy the therapist recommended since she is getting a job that she take responsibility for everything with her car. She said she did not want to, but she wanted the car that I have. She drives a 2011 Ford Fiesta, and I drive a 2009 Honda Accord. I told her that can't happen, because as a Realtor I need to be able to drive people around, and it is hard to fit buyers n the back seat of a compact car. Than she said ok she would sell the car. I than proceeded to tell her she cannot as it is in my name only an we owe more on it than it is worth. So than she said fine you take the car back and I will buy a new one. I than proceeded to ask her how he was going to do that with bad credit and no job for the last 3 years. Therapist and her both told it was none of my business. I said ok you're right, than I said I didn't want anyone but family to co sign a loan again they said none of my business I said fine. She said we would talk more about it in the next session. She told us to do homework by listing all the bills we pay, and what is in each persons name, and what is required because of each person. Example how much insurance costs each of us, child support for my daughter is my bill, etc.

The part of the session that really bothered me, and why the therapist recommended this homework is my wife is expecting to make about $800 a month, and only wanted to contribute $400 to bills. That is when I told her I think she should contribute the full amount of her car note, and she balked. I also said too bad when she said she needed $400 a month for spending money. By Thursday she is going to be in for a rude awakening when she sees she costs about $1200- $1400 a month. I have decided I am  done worrying about her growing up. I am going to work on my issues and if the marriage survives the separation great if it does not I am going to make sure financially I am ready to move on. I am going to make about $40K over the next 2 months and intend to pay off a lot of our bills except the car she drives and what not. 

To top it all off I have an appointment on Tuesday morning for a hearing on my child support. Ex wife is trying to get more money for child support. So I get to go to court for that on Tuesday, not worried about it honestly as the recommended amount that the state came up which is more than I am paying now, but is a smaller % of my income by a lot than when we got divorced so I cannot argue that. Also on Friday my ex wife decided to tell me my daughter started passing blood again as of Wednesday this week. Which I was not happy about as it took her 2 days to tell me. The last time this happened she was in the hospital for 2 weeks getting steroids through an IV and what not. The problem is my daughter plays Annie in the class play Annie at the end of the month and has been looking forward to it since before Christmas. I am really hoping she doesn't get admitted as I fear she will miss the play. She has a Dr. Appointment on Tuesday to see what her specialist says. Work has been busy which is great. I got back into playing XBox so that some of my free time at home is taken up. I also have been doing a lot of spring cleaning at the house, and getting rid of stuff so I don't have to stare at the mess anymore.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Ok I need a place to vent. My wife and if you have been reaing this have been in a bad place for a while. We have been separated for over to months. We hd a therapy session thi slast Thursday where she admitted she has had short comings in our relationship, but still wants me to see it as 90% my fault. I truly believe it is closer to 50%. Leaning more to my side. She told me she would not put me before her friends in her life. Our separation is supposed to end on July 1st, but I am more than ever thinking it will end with a divorce. It is not something I have thought was not a possibility. So it is no shock by any means, but I really just don't want it to end now that she is finally admitting her short comings. I am not even sure she will ever change to be honest. I am no longer in love with her, but I do still care about her. She was upset when I told her the house I live in is my home, an not hers. That is truly how I feel. She didn't decorate it, didn't clean it before the separation and has un packed 1 box since we moved in last June. I am just right now so torn my heart is still hurting from what she has done, and how she is treating me. She finally put in an application to work at a day care yesterday. So I know she is starting to do what she needs to do.

The biggest thing I need is to get over what she has done to me, and move past my anger I just don't know how. Even if we get divorced which I think will happen I need to change for me, and my daughter I'm just not sure how right now. That is what s hurting me probably more than I realize right now.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Anger will only subside with change and her not being around anymore. You're done, move on, you've prepared yourself fully, you've steeled yourself for the worst of it. It has come to fruition. You didn't want it to, but it has, you've moved on, you have a different life to prepare yourself for. You've gone through the therapy and you've seen the light, she has not, you need to move on. It sucks, it's gonna hurt, but in the end it will be the best for you and for her. She's not gonna mature, she chose her friends over you, she's chosen, you see, she didn't choose you. That is painful and a sucky realization to come toward but here you are. It will get better when you find someone new after you've healed a bit. You need to move on with your life, it's just down to you again. You're gonna be fine, it's gonna be rough, but you knew this and as you read up you've been preparing for it. Much respect to you for trying hard and going through the therapy, you're a better man for it. You didn't give up, you identified issues and problems and you confronted them head on, again, respect. Now it's time to file for the divorce. You're gonna need to do it, get em signed and present them to her and move on from there. You're in control of this situation so control the exit respectfully, for yourself. This is just my opinion, but thanks for sharing.

Officially Licensed WhoDatZone Rally Ape™

Re: I need some advice I am torn

ATN I appreciate your words of wisdom greatly. It is something I have thought about greatly, but I promised myself I would see it through till the end of the agreed separational period. I have about a month left, and will go from there.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Last update on the matter than I'm done with it. In therapy yesterday she said the only reason she is still married to me is because she can't afford not be. So today I'm calling her and telling her I'm done. She has the week to get her stuff in order.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

You tried, you gave it your best,she has saved you the trouble and shown you the light. I'm sorry, but you deserve better and in time you will find it. Move on confidently knowing there wasn't any more you could do. You're a better man for it and you're gonna be just fine.

Officially Licensed WhoDatZone Rally Ape™

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Oh, Bonck, I just came to this thread, and I hope the best for you. It sounds like you deserve way better treatment than your wife is willing to give you. I know ending relationships are hard. Been there done that. Just know we are here for you. I could write a book on some of the bad relationships I had up until 30. Do know this, it will, and it does get better.God be with you .

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thank you Gypsy. Still dealing with the stressors of it. Her mom was just over trying to talk me out of a divorce saying she has changed, and what not. I looked at her and said so she changed after I told her I was done. Who would want it to take that for a spouse to change, and how long would it last. I have to fill out the paperwork. Want to try and get that one before I leave Friday to go to the Keys for a week with my family. I am running out of time though. Pretty easy considering we do not have any kids or property to split. Just annoying that I a getting blamed as the bad guy when I finally decided to stop being walked all over.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bonk, keep on keeping on. Your friends will know in the end whom to trust, and its you. I got grief when i divorced, it's just part of it. Don't take it personal, it's part of the process itself. Each day gets better. No surprise she's on lobbying efforts with the 'rents but it's too little too late. Not telling you anything you don't know, just reinforcing perspective. Hang in and move on.

Officially Licensed WhoDatZone Rally Ape™

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bonckers Man I am sorry you are going through all of this, Retsmaj (as most know him here) and I just had our 19th wedding anniversary.  Breaks my heart that people can not fight through it, like we did (6 cancers and still married).  Then again, not everyone can manage to fight and be strong through the struggles and that sucks.  I am praying and sending positive thoughts your way.