1 (edited by Bonckers 09-05-2014 10:11:52)

Topic: I need some advice I am torn

Ok I am dealing with a very personal issue, and I do not trust my friends not on this sight to give me very good advice on the matter. Last week I found a text on my wife's phone as I was leaving for work she had a message popped up on her screen of a smiley face from some guy. I looked at the rest of the text messages, and she was joking with him about Face Timing him while in taking a bath. I confronted her and it was an old friend from when she lived in Michigan. I know who he was she had talked about him. She was mad I looked in her phone and there was a huge fight about it.

Well she went out with a friend of hers tonight, and again I saw that she had a Facebook message on her IPAD this time from another guy. It said you look fine. So I know she was sending him pics. I looked and earlier in the day he sent a message I want to cum in your meow and have you eat it out. Now she said no, but I don't know what to do. I need some advice please this is tearing me apart. I am very close to her, and her family. My daughter loves her. I work with her dad, and if we got divorced I would probably lose my job. So again please give me some advice I am so torn.

Now I do not think she is cheating on me as both of these guys do not live local, and I know she is at home all the time I get comments from people saying they see her on the front porch all the time playing on her Ipad or reading a book. Please help me my nerves are so bad I had problems typing this.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bro, that is seriously not good. It would be very unusual for a guy to send a message that vivid to a married woman unless she has been having some previous conversations that were leading to that level. He had to have had some interaction that made him feel ok to go there.

That said, I think you are going to have a hard time getting her to come clean and discuss this with you in full honesty. She very well may have not done anything with these people face to face, but that doesn't mean she hasn't violated your trust and the both of yours relationship in other ways.

I wouldn't worry about her family at this point unless they can help somehow. Otherwise leave that out of the equation and try to think about yours and hers daily relationship. Whether you are doing things together, having fun together, etc. Or if ur at work all day while she's stuck at home, same routine, you on WDZ while she watches tv by herself, etc. Analyze some of that and you will probably know whether there are problems, regardless of her text messages.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thanks man, I just don't know what to do. I know there are problems in the relationship, but they had been getting better. I think I have to confront her about it and say one way or another this needs to end.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

If anyone else has any advice please come forward she should be home in about 2 hours, and my daughter is asleep in her bedroom.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Also, I wouldn't confront her if either of you has been drinking.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bnk, personally I think Dru has given some solid advice. It appears to me some serious marriage counseling is in order. A private talk is definitely in order. You are obviously hurt and feeling some anger. That's normal and understandable. The only advice I can give is to put that anger aside when you do talk. It will be difficult,but it's a must. Like Dru said earlier, there is a reason those texts have gone this far. If you show any anger she will do her best to avoid the confrontation. If you appear composed there's a better chance she'll open up and be willing to discuss the problems she is having in the relationship.


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Re: I need some advice I am torn

Dru wrote:

Also, I wouldn't confront her if either of you has been drinking.


most definitely. This conversation must be done when both parties are totally sober. If either of you has been drinking, it will only escalate the emotions and problems.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thank you guys. I know it is going to happen tonight. She is going to see on my face something is wrong. I honestly feel sick about it not mad. I have gotten over the mad. She may have been drinking, but I have not been. You are right I will talk to her about it or it will eat me up forever. I need to deal with it instead of pushing it off. Thank you both, this may sound sad, but I trust you all (WDZ) more than anyone else in my life. Man it has been a rough year.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

I would try to give some advice but it seems Dru & Face have already given some solid advice already. This is something that can be an emotional roller coaster but like Face said, the best possible thing is remain calm. The calmer you are, the better the chances you have at getting her to open up. Once you get her to open up to you, the two of you can then begin to address & work on any of the issues she may have. In the end though, she has to accept the fact that those conversations are not acceptable for someone who is in a marriage.


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10 (edited by Allan 09-05-2014 11:23:25)

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bonckers wrote:

If anyone else has any advice please come forward she should be home in about 2 hours, and my daughter is asleep in her bedroom.


If you can Lawrence try to have this talk with her when your little girl is at school or someplace else.
I would definitely confront her about it. I know how hard something like this can be, but you have to remain as cool and focused as you can. It sounds like she could have been talking to the guy and flirting some. But, the guy was way out of line to say something like that to her. If I am understanding this right, she told the guy no. Maybe the guy thought she was flirting and she was just playing around.
I have had ex-girlfriends send me messages on Facebook talking about the stuff we used to do and how they wanted to get together again. I just laughed and told them I was flattered but it wasn't cool for me to be talking like that with them since I have a wife now and didn't want to screw it up with her.
So, maybe the guy is just trying to go to far and she is just blowing him off, but still talking to him.
You said the guys were talking to her like that, but what was she saying back? Was she leading them on and encouraging it or acting like it was a joke or something? She hasn't said anything having to deal with sex to them has she? If yes, then I would say it's a bigger problem. But, if it's just guys trying to get her to have some kind of internet sex fling (what we used to call phone sex) and she is telling them no, then I don't think it's AS bad.
The fact that she is talking to a guy who is telling her that kind of stuff is a problem. I would tell her exactly how not cool that is and how much it bothers you and ask her to stop talking to these guys. If she does then cool. If she argues about it with you and is defending it then it's a bigger deal.

I would like to talk to you about this some more. I am not felling well right now and it's hard to sit here and type, but I want to call you tomorrow if that's cool with you?
Just try to be cool until you can talk to her. Don't let your imagination run away with something that could be different than it might seem. I don't know man, this is a hard subject to deal with. Just try not to let it turn into an huge argument when you do talk to her about it of course or you won't get anywhere close to the truth.

EDIT:
Damn I am typing slow. The other guys gave great advice.

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Re: I need some advice I am torn

Well to fill everyone in, she came home drunk and she was supposed to be the DD. I tried to avoid the conversation, but she brought it up. We fought for a while than we talked, laughed, and cried. I am not sure where we sit, she told me she doesn't know what she wants. She at one point said she called a lawyer last night while she was out. (I'm sorry no divorce lawyer works at 10:00 on a Friday night.) I am at peace in the situation now. I am not sure where it will go, but at the very least I said my peace and can know I did the right thing.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bonk, tough words, but you need to move on. IMO. Steel yourself and prepare for the worst and change. Sadly, I've been there, trust me, it will be one of the best decisions you've ever made. Make it amicable and as friendly as you can, for you. You're about to go down a very tough road, but you'll be a better man for it.

Officially Licensed WhoDatZone Rally Ape™

Re: I need some advice I am torn

I think you are right ATN, I am not looking forward to a 2nd divorce, and I have to admit I may never get married again. I knew after the first one I would, but this one just seems to have finally done in the idea of marriage to me. I have always held it as a sacred thing, my first wife cheated on me, and this one just seems hell bent on being crazy.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Ok to forewarn this will be a long post. You all know if you read this where I was quit a while ago with this. I have also made another post about some issues I have been dealing with in regards to me. Today my wife and I go into see a therapist for our joint appointment to start our 3 month separation. This is something that my wife had wanted when I first started going to therapy, but I fought. It is now being recommended by my therapist. I saw paperwork that is a "contract" my wife brought home regarding it last night. She met with the therapist yesterday.

I am not crazy about the idea of this, but it may be the last step to potentially save our marriage, and I am not allowed to talk to anybody about it we both know unless we both agree about it. I needed to come here and lay it out as I really don't have anyone else to vent about it. Now according to this contract I cannot speak to my wife or contact her unless it is pre arranged time to do so. Which is today, at therapy and on Sunday for 15 minutes at 6:00 to go over anything that needs to be talked about like bills and what not. We are supposed to go on dates, once a week to start with and maybe work up to more. Only not the first week and a half by my wife's choice. The hardest part for me is that my wife can be the only person I physically talk to for a few days at a time with my job and work schedule, so to not be able to text or call her is really hard for me. Knowing that this is my fault due to my control and anger issues only seems to make it worse to me. The parts that keep coming up in my head is my daughter. I get my daughter every other weekend as she lives with my ex wife and my wife usually watches her when I work on Saturdays. She will continue to do so, but having to explain to my daughter this whole thing may be the toughest thing I have ever done. Telling my daughter about possibly not being able to get for half of the summer as I promised again not easy to take. Not to mention family trips we talked about for the summer. Having to talk to our friends and my family about it again not easy. Especially when I always said I never wanted to grow up to my parents and I did anyway.

My parents may be the most difficult part of this to swallow. My dad told me when my wife and I were engaged shortly before our wedding that they would be the ones who were there for me when this marriage doesn't last just like the last one. They have berated and attacked my wife to the point that she doesn't want to see them, and I do not blame her. They have twice threatened to sue us because I wold not give into their demands on seeing my daughter. Long story short my daughter has an auto immune disease and stress can start flare ups that cause her to be in the hospital for over a week at a time. My mother would say things that upset my daughter, so I would not let my mom see her by herself and that is one of their issues. Having to tell them because they are going to find out by my ex at the very least will be the vindication they so desperately want. Like I said I know this boils down to being my fault, but it does not make this any easier not to mention knowing even after all of this she may decide she wants a divorce rather than to come back. Thanks for being there to all of you. As this site has honestly been one of the very few safe havens for me in the 4+ years I have been here.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Admitting fault is a good start for yourself. Confront the demons.

Date night is a good thing. I'm not married but I greatly see the value in date night. Relationships take work, but it takes constant work. Weekly date nights help remind her and you why you're together. Hold the door for her, open her car door, do the little things that you don't or are not able to do during the rest of the week. Living with someone married or not takes constant nourishment and by putting personal time investment into just being a couple again can be quite nice. She needs to know you care, you need to you she cares. It's a good start. It's a once a week opportunity for you to remind yourself what about her make you tick and tell her, remind her each week. You'll be amazed how much positive reinforcement thru direct action can have. If it doesn't work fine, but don't do 2 things half ass, do one thing whole ass-Nick Offerman.

Your family, well, sounds like they didn't like her from the get go and for them to even tell you that they expect it fail, well F!! them for one, and if they fed that fear, that's on them not on y'all. Don't fret, we all have crazy family, some crazier than others. Just take care of you and your family, the rest will sort itself out.

Officially Licensed WhoDatZone Rally Ape™

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Re: I need some advice I am torn

Saint ATN wrote:

Admitting fault is a good start for yourself. Confront the demons.

Date night is a good thing. I'm not married but I greatly see the value in date night. Relationships take work, but it takes constant work. Weekly date nights help remind her and you why you're together. Hold the door for her, open her car door, do the little things that you don't or are not able to do during the rest of the week. Living with someone married or not takes constant nourishment and by putting personal time investment into just being a couple again can be quite nice. She needs to know you care, you need to you she cares. It's a good start. It's a once a week opportunity for you to remind yourself what about her make you tick and tell her, remind her each week. You'll be amazed how much positive reinforcement thru direct action can have. If it doesn't work fine, but don't do 2 things half ass, do one thing whole ass-Nick Offerman.

Your family, well, sounds like they didn't like her from the get go and for them to even tell you that they expect it fail, well F!! them for one, and if they fed that fear, that's on them not on y'all. Don't fret, we all have crazy family, some crazier than others. Just take care of you and your family, the rest will sort itself out.

I can't give much better advice than this. I hope things work out for the best for both you & your family. You have already taken steps in the direction. Steps that it takes courage to take. That is a positive in itself.

Long story short my daughter has an auto immune disease and stress can start flare ups that cause her to be in the hospital for over a week at a time.

Auto immune disease? Flares? Does your daughter have lupus? My girlfriend has it & these words were never apart of my vocabulary until she became diagnosed. My prayers go out to you & your daughter. I know all too well how is to watch a loved one deal with this disease.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thank you both, Brod my daughter has a disease called Ulcerative Colitis. It is in the Crhons family of diseases. When she gets a flare up her colon produces ulcers that cause her to pass blood and frequently visit the bathroom up to over 20 times a day. She becomes hospitalized to make sure her body does intake the proper nutrients. The last time she was in for over 2 weeks with steroid drips, and other medicine that had to be administered via IV to make sure her body took it in.


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Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bonckers wrote:

Thank you both, Brod my daughter has a disease called Ulcerative Colitis. It is in the Crhons family of diseases. When she gets a flare up her colon produces ulcers that cause her to pass blood and frequently visit the bathroom up to over 20 times a day. She becomes hospitalized to make sure her body does intake the proper nutrients. The last time she was in for over 2 weeks with steroid drips, and other medicine that had to be administered via IV to make sure her body took it in.

Man, I'm so sorry for your daughter Bonck.  That's horrible.  All our best to her.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thank you Dru she has been diagnosed with it for about 3 years. This is the firs full year we have had no hospital visits, so I think we finally found the medication that works for her. Instead of having flare ups she now has stomach cramps, but that is a far better issue and pain to deal with.


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Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bonckers wrote:

Thank you Dru she has been diagnosed with it for about 3 years. This is the firs full year we have had no hospital visits, so I think we finally found the medication that works for her. Instead of having flare ups she now has stomach cramps, but that is a far better issue and pain to deal with.

Awesome news Bonk. Glad to hear she has it under control now. When I was in Jr. high, a good friend of mind was diagnosed with Colitis,and I know how bad he suffered. He had to repeat the 8th grade because he missed too many days due to the illness. He also lost 30 pounds. The doctors eventually got him stabalized,but he had to give up playing baseball and football. it was sad because he was a very good athlete before he got sick.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

My daughter when she first started showing symptoms at 6 lost 10 pounds. That is the first time they hospitalized her. She was only about 60 pounds before she lost the weight.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Bonck, sorry to hear about your daughter's U.C. and what had been going on w/ your marriage (first time seeing this thread). Who is going to treat her (as you live in the panhandle) b/c when I did my peds training in Pensacola, I worked with all the subspecialists at Nemours in Pensacola, and one of the new GI specialists is a close friend of mine.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

His name is Alan Sacks, and he is at Nemours in Pensacola. He has been great, he even showed up to the Colotis and Chrons walk we did in Mobile back in October. It is sad that this year was the first year we did it, and were the top fund raiser at just over 3 grand. I also help with relay for life and there are about 10 times as many teams involved with relay compared to the chrons and colotis walks. I know that cancer effects more people than does chrons or colotis, but I was surprised how many people I know that deal with it after my daughter was diagnosed. Today and last night were far better than I though they would be. I found out just a few minutes ago that I am going to have to talk to my daughter about it much earlier than I wanted to. I was hoping to have a few more days to get used to it. But at least I am getting it all out of the way, and can start working on what I need to do.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Dr. Sacks is great. I took care of a bunch of his patients. The one who is my good friend is Dr. Nicole Lawrence, so if you see her for whatever reason, you and your daughter are in good hands.

Re: I need some advice I am torn

Thanks for the heads up. I will keep an eye out.